This post is for you.
I hate it when you (Asian girls) complain about PAMs. You've heard it before. Passive Asian Males. Yes, there is an acronym of this particular kind of Asian-American men. You've probably had your run in with them. Usually PAMs are characterized by low self-esteem, a lack of social competence with girls and a lack of confidence. When one thinks about what a PAM is one might think of a nerd/study bug, a hardcore MMORPG gamer or an anime freak. You then hear about how Asian males don't have the balls to ask a girl out. Or even worse, you've heard how PAMs, in a relationship, don't "take the lead" in the relationship. Or perhaps you've heard they aren't expressive in what they want or what they need. There is often a mischaracterization of Asian men. Maybe this is why so many Asian girls prefer white guys or black guys over Asian guys?
I used to argue that Asian men are not passive. But I think I've changed my mind, because I met a lot more Asian guys. I will readily admit, PAMs do exist and there are many of them out there. However, what I have a problem is with the negative connotation of a PAM--that being passive is a bad thing. What the heck is wrong with being passive? Why is it preferred for Asian women to passive and for Asian men not? Notions of gender need to be deconstructed in order for us to understand masculinity in an Asian-American context. There is the notion that men have to be strong and aggressive--pursuers of the woman of interest. And if you are a passive male, you're a wuss or sissy who can't "man up" to your role as a man. Where does this come from? Masculinity can be wrongly measured. For example, why are sports a good avenue of masculine activity and MMORPGs/gaming not? Girls will complain that Asian guys play too many video games. This is put in contrast with white guys playing a ton of sports. Yes, sports benefit physically, while the other one doesn't. But really they serve the same purpose: to provide an avenue of control and masculinity in an affirming environment of competition and power. These are both equally masculine, just expressed different. Asian men can't help it if they get cut from the high school football team because they're too scrawny and the coach is racist.
But did you ever consider that PAMs are more faithful, more committed in their relationships? That their strong notions of family and loyalty will lead them to never abandon their loved ones? Or that they are taught to respect and venerate their wives (or women in general)? Maybe they don't ask out any girl they meet because they value the relationships in general and feel that dating inadvertently is illogical. Maybe Asian guys don't step up in church leadership because they need to respond practically to the pressures of providing for their family through studying bio-chem or computer science (perpetuated by the immigrant experience)? Or perhaps did you ever stop to think that Asian men are often emasculated in the media, emasculated in their middle schools and high schools and even emasculated in their churches--and that they need to preserve the little sense of manliness that they have left through World of Warcraft or getting straight A's? Consider this: Asian men are so freaking masculine... in their own ways.
I want to say that I would not identify myself as a passive Asian. Though I have been wrongly categorized as passive and stereotyped as a PAM. There's nothing wrong with being one and sometimes I wish I was one. Also, there are many Asian males aren't passive and don't fit that stereotype. I just have observed many PAMs and have known how genuine and great they are. And for myself, I've been through the stage in my life where I felt I needed to be something I wasn't--a white guy. I'm not white. Stop trying to make me white. Speaking for all the Asian men out there, I'm sick of taking all the crap about PAMs and how lame they are. You're lame. ...hahaha. JK, not really.
In conclusion: Asian men aren't all that bad. Give them a chance. Stop dissing on them. Get to know them. Recognize how masculine they are, though it may not be that visible at first. And if you hear your fellow Asian girlfriend complain how passive her boyfriend is, tell her that being passive isn't always a bad thing. Tell all your Asian guy friends how you love how they're into first-person shooters, MMORPGs, anime and that you'd love to join them. In fact, go out and buy yourself a PS3 and start practicing. Haha.
Comments (9)
I believe the problem really lies in how the media influences our society and how that, in turn, influences culture, values, and how people think. A lot of values have been left down to a possible conflicts between what one is told what is valuable and what one personally ones. And as one continues to get barraged by those ideals, the line between what one personally wants and what it is believed to be valuable tends to be blurred. And this is often, though not exclusively or absolutely, seen when someone likes a certain trait about someone... but would like that trait to be... changed. Or when someone is in the middle between two related traits but is seen has having none and is thus, not valuable, when in actuality that may be what one desires. It's so much easier to label someone through exaggerations and to see each trait a dichotomy instead of a continuum. This who mess of trying to desire what one feels they are supposed to desire, the simplification of great complexities, and outsourcing of one's thinking to large organizations designed to control how one thinks is what leads us to all this. Hence, the example with PAMs. Hence, being misclassified as a PAM. Hence, everyone needs to [u]truly[/u] think for [u]themselves.[/u] Otherwise one's going to look back at all that and may unfortunately discover how fake and untrue they are to themselves.
eh... passivity is not a great thing in men or in women. Both need to be more active in my opinion. Not a gender thing. Not saying its biblical or anything, just a personal preference. We're allowed to have preferences right?
How come I feel like I've heard this post before?
Uh, couldn't resist a reply. Frustrating for your side, but try considering it a bit from a girl's side, and not even so much on the racial/cultural side of things.
You are familiar with the fairytale image of a knight on a shining horse riding in to save a princess, sweeping her into his arms, and riding off into the sunset? I can tell you, that doesn't happen because said knight happens to be passive.
Why does it matter? Because a lot of girls [several out of 10] are closet princesses, and most of the rest are already out. It's not so much a cultural thing as a girl's psychological makeup--she wants to be taken care of, and [not to put a sketchy tone on things] dominated, at least in a relationship. Passive men are the sidekicks, or the squires in the vast sunset-bound journeys of life.
As human beings, we tend to think about what traits in our preferred significant other that would benefit US, as opposed to qualities in US that would benefit them. Girls want men to take care of them, to be the provider. And at young adult ages, it's hard to see past the shallow needs to the long-term needs that are or are not being met. It doesn't have to do with race, or culture. Whoever refuses to date an Asian because they're "passive" and a Coquasian because they're not is a bigot, and should get out in the world a little more. Culture might influence what a person is like, but it really depends.
Cut girls a little slack, because they're not dissing on Asian guys. They're dissing on passivity, which isn't necessarily a good thing, either. It's just cooling your heels and hoping the relationship will move forward.
Sorry for the word vomit. <3
NAT! I was browsing through Xanga and I found yours again. You always have such thoughtful entries!
Anyways, I'd like to comment on this. OK... I don't think passivity is the right word... it's more like... lack of confidence. I think having an insecure and often shy girlfriend or boyfriend is just a TURN OFF!
And I'm sorry if the Asian girls you hang around with complain about PAMs and want a dominating male. Cause, frankly, my friends and I HATE dominating males. Dominating males are the worst, because they're usually just male chauvinists who have a really disturbing and warped view of reality.
And frankly, I never had that "closeted princess" fairytale fantasy. I actually find that really sexist and offensive.
And another thing... passivity aka lack of confidence is UNIVERSAL. It's not just an Asian thing. And just because you're white and you play sports doesn't mean it's an automatic turn-on. I think Girls just like guys who play sports because they're generally just more athletic and attractive. It's the same way with guys. Guys usually don't find ugly, lumpy girls attractive.
What it really comes down to is... Is the guy a major DOUCHE BAG?!? It doesn't matter if he's white, black, Asian or if he's hairy, short and chubby. The more you show commitment, maturity, a sense of humor and wisdom and some CONFIDENCE, the more girls are attracted to you. There are so many guys that are douche bags in the world. They show outward confidence but they don't have any internal confidence. So it makes their outward confidence seem extremelyyy fake!
Believe in yourself and believe a little bit more in Asian girls. Or stop hanging around the ones that make you feel like a PAM. Ha anyways, Keep in Touch!
interesting points...
i like asian boys. i don't think playing videogames has anything to do with being passive. and i want someone to be a leader for me, which would require the boy to take charge (rather than being passive).
and WATCHA UP TO NAT! long time no talk.
hey nat, i'm sheeren. i went to the joint glory-cbc-cec retreats and i talk to bowen regularly on facebook, so this can't be entirely creepy...:P
i hope you won't discredit my comment because i'm only half asian (unless you count iraq as asia too, which it is, and in which case i am full asian;) ).
i have to say, i agree heartily with ppchickie. i think i have had closet princess symptoms (or at some points in my life, perhaps been uncloseted), thinking that that fantasy was right. i would now like to blame it on societal notions of what a woman should be; i think it leads many women to lead a life where they feel subjugated, devalued, and generally useless. but maybe that's just personal experience speaking.
many people have told me that they think it's better for the man to be in control, and many other people have said that it is better for the woman to dominate. i don't think it's right for either to dominate, but neither should either party be passive. this doesn't have to be about whether one is passive or dominant.
since i've got a final coming up in a few days i would like to insert here a piece of a message i wrote to a friend about half a month ago:
"Genesis 3:16 says:
To the woman he said, 'I will greatly increase your pains in
childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire
will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.'
This is not meant to condone this relational order. In fact (or at
least as I have heard from scholars, including, I believe, James
Choung, head of Intervarsity [Christian Fellowship] ), to have "desire" for, here and in the
other places where that specific Hebrew word is used in the Bible,
refers to a controlling desire, much like that which you describe and
which I myself have experienced (as sometimes the perpetrator)--it may
often be maternal, or stem from jealousy or vanity. And the man will do
what he can to dominate her. And this combination often leads to broken
families--marital problems, divorce, abuse, people losing themselves to
their significant other because he or she is winning at the game of
domination. And if one person does not wish to dominate, but
subordinates himself to the will of the other, there will most likely
be problems, but they will not necessarily make themselves immediately
visible, until that person realizes he has lost himself and begins to
struggle for a voice, even for dominance. If that person gains
dominance, the struggle continues, maybe even cycling, though for this
latter I can think of no real-world examples. But room must be made for
his own self, or the relationship is lacking. And sometimes room is not
made, so he may leave in search of a better, more mutual arrangement,
or prefer to keep from entangling himself with someone else. Maybe he
does not even know who he is anymore--but, away, he may become
reacquainted. It may not necessarily be the other person's fault that
he no longer knows himself, but he must figure out which parts are his
own and which parts are covers made from the ideas and interests of the
other person. It's great to combine these things, but not if his
contributions are small.
This may sound a lot like what you were writing about. Now replace
the masculine pronouns with feminine pronouns, and you may see why I
don't like to generalize about this as a problem of females.
'Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.'
A consequence of the fall of mankind.
"
there is, as bowen would NOT like to put it, a middle ground, not so much in the middle as in another realm because it includes the self-esteem that we gain from God, the esteem to know that he has given us some good qualities that another person might appreciate, and that that other person's have path may crossed with our own in order for our lives to be mutually blessed by our interaction. and from this one can develop the confidence to no longer be passive, passive being different from rash and dominant.
in other words i am convicted that a relationship should be a team effort and can only successfully function if both components of the relationship have the confidence to communicate effectively.
thanks for taking the time to read this:)! and please make remarks as well:).
Blessings,
sheeren
that's a nice complement "That their strong notions of family and loyalty will lead them to never abandon their loved ones? " especially in the wake of rising divorce rates...
Media does nothing wrong, they just reflect the truth. Asian males are so sissy! Nobody want them.